you were probably wondering why i was so excited, and throwing up, yesterday morning… well, it was because (deep breath/contain yourself) it was my first day working as sound man on the acclaimed late-night television variety show, saturday night live.*

but i blew it…

big time!

i am sooooo sorry, but there were all these buttons and lights and my boss yelling in my ear: “do it right or you’re getting sliced, tony!” and “did you hear what happened to marcus boyle—the guy you replaced, tonester? damn right, you didn’t!” and “how do you like me yelling in your ear, tonimatone? you like that? is this annoying? am i being obnoxious? what kind of person would just keep yelling in your ear like this after you’ve asked them nicely to stop, tony balogna? what kind of person would do this? tell me, tonimator, because i would really like to know! oh, no!!! you blew it! you blew it! you blew it!!! you’ve ruined everything!!!” at that point he was carrying me around on his shoulders, and i couldn’t even see the buttons anymore.

who could do anything under that kind of duress? under that bombardment of howls and homoerotic lifting and bright, shiny things i know nothing about? seriously?

this is live television, baby! and i don’t have the skills necessary to work in it. i told them this when they hired me. my exact words were, “i won’t last a week here.” and look who was right—me! i’m always right. even when i’m wrong i’m right.

of course, if i could go back in time, i would (but first i’d probably have to make a pit stop in 1969—just to see ol’ jimi play). then, sure, time permitting, i’d make sure this whole lip-synching catastrophe is avoided.

i mean, it’s really the least i can do because, beyond question, the blood is on my hands with this one.

ms. ashlee simpson, pause for emphasis, i am sorry.

forgive me?

*“snl” for the google seachers.